TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another put where American Adult males can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer Anyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance Trump Tower Damascus imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD might have transform-down provider."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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